How are you holding up? Pretty good? Hard to believe we’ve all been inside for the past seventeen months. You’re probably running out of things to watch on TV or, even worse, endlessly scrolling through things you don’t wanna watch: science documentaries, foreign films, shows with complex plots, the freakin’ news… Wasn’t TV easier back in the day? You change the channel, there’s something else there. Right away! And you can change the channel if you don’t like it.
Best of all, television was TERRIBLE. Nobody gave a shit because it was “just TV.” Movies were where the prestige and big budgets were. TV was bullshit. It still is, of course, but the quality has unfortunately improved. Thank God for the PlutoTV app: it’s almost nothing but the worst television imaginable, and it pumps it out 24/7 across over 250+ channels.
Let’s take a look at what’s on, shall we?
MOVIES
22 movie channels plus a whole lot of films on demand. The catch? Commercials. But remember — this is garbage television being served up for free. Look PlutoTV in the eye and say thank you when they slap your face with an ad break. It can’t be easy making TV this bad.
Truth be told, not all the films are bad. Some of the film channels are themed — westerns, documentaries, 80’s films, kung-fu, etc. One channel shows old James Bond films on a loop. As I write this, they’re showing The Spy Who Loved Me. The other movie channels are showing films like Postcards From The Edge, Child’s Play, Memento, and Two Days In The Valley.
ENTERTAINMENT
Last year, media conglomerate Viacom bought PlutoTV, and they added a bunch of exclusive channels built around content from MTV, VH-1, Comedy Central, and TV Land. For instance, one channel shows nothing but the early 2000’s dating shows from MTV, like Parental Control and, yes, Next.
Maybe you’d rather watch Baywatch? They’ve got a 24-hour channel for all of you people who haven’t kept up on the latest scientific developments in masturbation technology. There are also channels devoted exclusively to American Gladiators and Degrassi. Elsewhere you’ll find classic shows, old cartoons, and one of my personal favorite PlutoTV channels, Nosey (Channel 158). 24 hours a day of Jerry Springer, Steve Wilkos, old episodes of Blind Date and the king of the garbage pile, Maury Povich.
NEWS
Avoid their news channels. They’re awful. Besides, we’re here for garbage television.
BINGE WATCH
Oh, yeah. Now we’re talking. This is the section where each channel is devoted to one television show. Do you want twenty-four straight hours of nothing but Wahlburgers? Well, you’re a fucking loser, but PlutoTV doesn’t care. Channel 358 says hi to your mother for you. There’s also a whole channel of Fear Factor reruns for you guys who miss Joe Rogan’s earlier, more subtle work. But there are also binge channels for Antiques Roadshow, MST3K, Forensic Files, and classic (pre-reboot) Doctor Who episodes.
Also, Wipeout!
COMEDY
Remember laughter? It’s back, baby! Plenty of Comedy Central content, from stand-up specials to celebrity roasts and a whole channel dedicated to reruns of Crank Yankers. It’s like 2003 all over again! This section also includes channels for old sitcoms, funny animal videos, and FAIL Army.
SPORTS
No, there aren’t any sporting events scheduled for the forseeable future, but Pluto tries to fill the void with channels like Stadium, which shows random sporting events from the past. At the time of this writing, that means old Ultimate Fighting matches. The niche channels can be enjoyable, though. Red Bull TV, for instance (who doesn’t love Crashed Ice or their Flutag events?) and Impact Wrestling, which should be self-explanatory.
Also included in the sports section are some not-so-sporty offerings, including documentary channels, a helping of slow tv, and something called Eye Candy. I’ll let TV writer Phillip Swann explain:
“The Eye Candy Channel, which is produced by a company called Kaloopy, based in Southern California (where else?), airs one video after another of a beautiful woman, in various states of undress, dancing, jumping, and sometimes, rolling around the floor in apparent imminent ecstasy.”
LIFESTYLE
You know, People Magazine type stuff. Like People Magazine TV, for those who find reading People Magazine to be a chore. There’s also an MTV Cribs channel, and offerings from Logo and Food TV.
TECH & GEEK
NASA TV. Minecraft TV. Naruto. Anime. Roblox. CNET. If any of these strike a chord with you, have at it.
KIDS
Lots of Nickelodeon-branded content (like an all-Dora The Explorer channel) and age-appropriate (I hope) anime. I don’t have kids, so I don’t care. Moving on…
LATINO
Some Spanish language programming, including a Spanish version of the James Bond channel, telenovelas, movies, and more!
So there you have it. Free garbage television for these garbage times in which we live. If you need me, I’ll be over here, catching up on classic game shows like Password (Channel 184)
Fuck You Boredom! 